Captain Kidd and his crew were on the high seas when they were attacked by Blackbeard, their archenemy.
The first shot by Blackbeard's gunners took off Kidd's forward mast. The second shot splintered the center mast, and the third disintegrated the rear mast.
Panic stricken, one of Kidd's men asked what they should do.
"We have no choice but to surrender", replied the pirate, "He's using weapons of mast destruction!"
This English landlady had a couple of struggling poets for tenants. The poor fellows got behind in their rent, but the landlady was unable to have them evicted. Instead, she decided to murder them.
She baked a large scone and put some poison in it, then invited the poets down for tea. She served each of the chaps a cup of tea and half the scone. The poison worked as advertised, but of course crime does not pay, and the awful woman was soon arrested.
Feigning innocence, she demanded to know with what she was being charged.
The police inspector replied: "Well, it seems, madam, that you have killed two bards with one scone!"
This woman ordered an exotic snake through a mail order operation. When the package arrived, there were only feathery necklaces in the box.
Apparently, the boa cons tricked her.
A church's bell ringer passed away. So they posted the position and a man came in with no arms wanting the job. The clergy weren't sure he could do it, but he convinced them to let him try it.
They climbed the bell tower and the guy ran toward the bell and hit it with his head. They gave him the job.
The next day he went to ring the bell, tripped, bounced off the bell and fell to the sidewalk below. Two guys were walking past.
One asked, "Do you know this guy?"
The second guy responded, "No, but his face rings a bell."
The next day, the dead bell ringer's twin brother comes in for the again vacant bell ringer position. He also has no arms. They lead him up to the bell tower, he runs at the bell, trips and falls to the sidewalk below.
The same two guys walk by.
The first asks, "Do you know him?"
The second guy responds, "No, but he's a dead ringer for the guy we saw yesterday."
The Soviets got sick of buying wheat from the Americans and began to spend millions on research into grains. Finally U.S. intelligence found out that the Soviet scientists had developed a new grain that yielded twice the harvest of conventional wheat and grew in half the time. Several agents died before it was discovered that the new grain was called "Krilk". The CIA was panicked! Without the Soviet dependency on American grains the security of the West could be forever compromised.
Congress quickly convened and appropriated several hundred million dollars for the CIA to send up spy satellites over Russia to learn the secrets of Krilk. Finally, after several years, the satellites began to send back images of the factory deep in the Soviet Union that was processing the Krilk. The CIA sent in over a hundred agents. None returned. The process remained a secret. The satellites were next to useless because they could only see the outside of the building, not the actual milling of the harvests. Finally the Soviet Ambassador in Washington sent a message to the President of the U.S. to let him know that all further attempts to learn the secrets would be futile.
The message read, "You are wasting your money. Everyone knows that it's no use spying over milled Krilk!"
A mechanic who worked out of his home had a dog named Mace. Mace had a bad habit of eating all the grass on the mechanic's lawn, so the mechanic had to keep Mace inside.
The grass eventually became overgrown. One day the mechanic was working on a car in the backyard and dropped his wrench, losing it in the tall grass. He couldn't find it for the life of him, so he decided to call it a day.
That night, Mace escaped from the house and ate all the grass in the backyard. The next morning the mechanic went outside and saw his wrench glinting in the sunlight.
Realizing what had happened he looked toward the heavens and proclaimed, "A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me!"
Three people are in a lifeboat, adrift at sea. They have four cigarettes, but no matches or lighters. How can they each smoke a cigarette?
Answer: throw one cigarette overboard, which will make the boat a cigarette lighter.
The police found and arrested two young people the other day. One was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one ... and let the other one off.
A 350-pound woman shows up at a run-down circus, looking for a job as a flying trapeze artist.
The incredulous ringmaster gives her an audition, and is so impressed he tells her she's hired. There's one condition: she goes on last.
On opening night, the other acts are so bad, some of the spectators begin to leave. The ringmaster, seeing this, runs out and cries, "Don't go now, folks, the show ain’t over till the fat lady swings!"
The teacher asked if anyone could tell the class a story with a moral. Little Johnny volunteered the following:
"Out West, in the town of Diablo, there was a guy named Stanley, who was president of the Creative Credit Loan Company. He was proud of being able to arrange loans for almost anyone. One day as he was locking up to go home, some tough guys accosted him and started to push him around because he was small in stature and mild mannered. Stanley also held a Third Degree Black Belt in Karate. He counterattacked, and gave the tough guys a thrashing they wouldn’t forget."
Said the teacher, "Good, Johnny, now tell us what is the moral of your story."
Johnny replied, "Well, the moral is, if you're ever out in Diablo, don't mess around with the loan arranger."
An ink spot walked up to another ink spot and said, "why are you crying?"
The other ink spot replied "because my dad is in the pen and I don't know how long the sentence will be!"
I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech'ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter 'Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite'.
