1. He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.
2. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
3. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
4. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
5. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
6. When cannibals ate a missionary they got a taste of religion.
7. Every calendar's days are numbered.
8. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).
9. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
10. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
11. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
12. In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
14. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
15. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
16. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
17. I used to be a tap dancer until I fell in the sink.
18. Show me someone in denial and I'll show you a person in Egypt up to their ankles.
19. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
20. It's better to love a short girl than not a tall.
21. To some - marriage is a word ... to others - a sentence.
22. The best way to stop a charging bull is to take away his credit card.
23. If you give some managers an inch they think they're a ruler.
24. Talking to her about computer hardware I make my mother board.
25. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
26. When the electricity went off during a storm at a school the students were de-lighted.
27. A cardboard belt would be a waist of paper.
28. He wears glasses during math because it improves divison.
29. There was a ghost at the hotel, so they called for an inn spectre.
30. To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
31. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
32. Some Spanish government employees are Seville servants.
33. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
34. How do you make antifreeze? Steal her blanket.
35. If you step onto a plane and recognize a friend of yours named Jack, don't yell out, “Hi Jack!“
36. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
37. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
38. There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn't control his pupils.
39. Old power plant workers never die; they just de-generate.
40. While delivering 1000 gallons of dark pigment, he almost painted, then blacked out.
41. Some people who refinish kitchens could be known as counter-fitters.
42. A bank manager without anyone around may find themself a-loan.
43. Somebody was running a flea circus, but a dog came and stole the show.
44. He was hired at age 70. They put him in a senior position.
45. The best way to communicate with a fish is to drop them a line.
46. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was ticketed for littering.
47. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.
48. Some people go into martial arts just for kicks.
49. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
50. The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
51. He bent over to pick up a sieve and strained himself.
52. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
53. Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
54. The one who invented the door knocker got a No-bell prize.
55. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said 'No change yet'.
56. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
57. It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
58. Ancient orators tended to Babylon.
59. Tennis players don't marry because Love means Nothing to them.
60. A backwards poet writes inverse.
61. Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was a-salted.
62. If a town's people have low IQs is the population dense?
63. Old lawyers never die they just lose their appeal.
64. It wasn't school John disliked it was just the principal of it.
65. Math teachers have lots of problems.
66. An office with many people and few electrical outlets could be in for a power struggle.
67. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
68. Driving on so many turnpikes was taking its toll.
69. A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.
70. When the waiter spilled a drink on his shirt, he said, "this one is on me."
71. There was a guy who was fired from the orange juice factory for lack of concentration.
72. Some people's noses and feet are build backwards: their feet smell and their noses run. 7
73. The poet had written better poems, but he'd also written verse.
74. A test-tube baby has a womb with a view.
75. When chemists die, we barium.
76. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
77. When the TV repairman got married the reception was excellent.
78. Old math teachers never die, they just become irrational.
79. Alcohol and calculus don't mix, so don't drink and derive.
80. We were so poor when I was growing up we couldn't even afford to pay attention.
81. She was only a whisky maker but he loved her still.
82. Will this computer last five years? Obsoletely!
83. When the waiter was asked if crabs were served in his restaurant he replied - oh yes ... we serve anybody!
84. Two blackberries met. They were both in a jam.
85. A baker stopped making donuts after he got tired of the hole thing.
86. Successful dieters might win the Nobelly prize.
87. I really do have a photographic memory -- I just haven't developed it yet.
88. We found a dead crow in our front yard but have yet to hear the caws of death.
89. What do you call cheese that is not yours? Nacho Cheese.
90. Some people don't like food going to waist.
91. Vinyl records are really groovy.
92. Nylons give women a run for their money.
93. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
94. If every car in the country were white you would live in a white carnation.
95. A tattoo artist has designs on his clients.
96. Father and son love sunflower seeds, and the son is the spitting image of his dad.
97. If we don't conserve water we could go from one ex-stream to another.
98. When the glassblower inhaled he got a pane in the stomach.
99. He told me he could eat a 32-ounce steak, but I found that hard to swallow.
100.If you say you have bad skin, I'd say that was a pore excuse.
101.A criminal's best asset is his lie ability.
102.Acupuncture is a jab well done.
103.When the human cannonball retired they couldn't find a replacement of the right caliber.
104.He avoided funerals because he was not a mourning person.
105.A prisoner's favorite punctuation mark is the period. It marks the end of his sentence.
106.Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
107.Did you hear about the fire at the circus? The heat was intense.
108.Soldiers in plays like to Shakespeares.
109.Seven days without a pun makes one weak.
110.Some burglars are always looking for windows of opportunity.
111.He became a vegetarian because he couldn't make ends meat.
112.A painter's joke may be off-color while a cook's might be tasteless.
113.The roundest knight at king Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
114.Are evil wildebeests bad gnus?
115.Those who throw dirt are sure to lose ground.
116.Some children think that their parents are all no-ing.
117.Skipping school to bungee jump will get you suspended.
118.At a pet store: 'buy one, get one flea'.
119.119. An auctioneer often looks forbidding.
120.A nut named Hazel held up a bank saying 'give me all the cashew have'.
121.In the winter my dog wears his coat, but in the summer he wears his coat and pants.
122.A pun is its own reword.
123.You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
124.When the wheel was invented, it caused a revolution.
125.An archaeologist's career ended in ruins.
126.Those who play team sports usually have a ball.
127.A scientist doing a large experiment with liquid chemicals was trying to solve a problem when he fell in and became part of the solution.
128.Two robbers with clubs went golfing, but they didn't play the fairway.
129.A guy became so good with a chainsaw that he was promoted to branch manager.
130.To termites, a group of dead trees is an arbor eat'um. (Arboretum- greenhouse)
131.A prisoner is someone who stands behind his convictions.
132.A lawyer for a church did some cross-examining.
133.Old milkmaids never die; they just kick the bucket.
134.If a lawyer can be disbarred can a musician be denoted or a model deposed?
135.Old burglars never die; they just steal away.
136.Two crooks bought a hotel. They were inn-mates.
137.It was raining cats and dogs. There were poodles and kittens all over the road.
138.In a bakery, buns usually play a small role.
139.A math professor in an unheated room is cold and calculating.
140.Lawyers wear law suits.
141.If you can’t sleep, move to the edge of the bed and you'll soon drop off.
142.He worked at a factory making eyeglasses and was pushed into the machine. He made a spectacle of himself. He was framed.
143.A cat ate some cheese and waited for a mouse with baited breath.
144.Long fairy tales have a tendency to dragon.
145.When writing music for some instruments it is hard to piccolo note.
146.A man who rode in a carpool felt sick whenever they passed under a certain tunnel. His doctor diagnosed this as carpool tunnel syndrome.
147.Old skiers never die -- they just go down hill.
148.Be kind to your dentist because he has fillings too.
149.Those who study the moon are optimists. They look at the bright side.
150.Archers study arrow dynamics.
151.A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
152.A circus lion won't eat clowns because they taste funny.
153.For plumbers, a flush beats a full house.
154.When William joined the army he disliked the phrase 'fire at will'.
155.It's tough to be in the internet gambling computer business when the chips are down.
156.If you think you are a set of curtains, either see a psychiatrist or pull yourself together.
157.To become an electrician you have to pass a battery of tests.
158.Visitors to Cuba are usually Havana good time.
159.Advertisement: 'New study on obesity looks for larger test group.'
160.The church janitor was also the organist, and had to watch his keys and pews.
161.Old programmers never die; they just can't C as well.
162.In order to talk to a Viking you need to know Norse code.
163.A policeman accidentally arrested a judge who had dressed as a convict for a costume party. That cop learned never to book a judge by his cover.
164.Two podiatrists became arch rivals.
165.A plateau is a high form of flattery.
166.If you hear it from the horse's mouth you're listening to a neigh sayer.
167.The primary responsibility for a child's education is apparent.
168. A toothless termite walked into a tavern and said, "Is the bar tender here?"
169.Stealing someone's coffee is called 'mugging'.
170.He dropped a computer on his toes and had megahertz.
171.The cannibal's cookbook titled 'How to Better Serve your Fellow Man' was written by a guy who had a wife and ate kids.
172.Don't expect to eat something fancy when you're flying because it's plane food.
173.Studying fungus is a way to mould young minds.
174.Did you know that donuts were first made in Greece?
175.A cannibal's favourite game is 'swallow the leader'.
176.Italian building inspectors in Pisa are leanient.
177.A couple of ambulance drivers are a paramedics.
178.Those who do not want to be counted have taken leave of their census.
179.Never lie to a x-ray technician. They can see right through you.
180.The drunk said I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
181.Gardeners always know the ground rules.
182.If you said you were from South America, I would not Bolivia.
183.Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.
184.A pediatrician is a doctor of little patients.
185.Dermatologists often make rash statements.
186.Pour hot water down a rabbit hole and you get a hot cross bunny.
187.Bill Gates took advantage of his Windows of opportunity
188.When they bought a waterbed, the couple started to drift apart.
189.Two nuclear technicians got married. She was radiant and he was glowing.
190.He put bug spray on his watch to get rid of the ticks.
191.An alien landed at a soft drink company and said 'take me to your liter'.
192.When a ladder was stolen from a store the manager said that further steps would be taken.
193.A long knife has been invented that cuts four loaves of bread at a time called a four loaf cleaver.
194.When a college dormitory exploded a lot of roomers were flying.
195.Be true to your teeth, or they will be false to you.
196.A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
197.A letter carrier career is a mail-dominated profession.
198.When a new hive is done bees have a house swarming party.
199.Old grocers never die; they just get shelved.
200.They wanted to hold a vigil, but no one could hold a candle to him.
