When the Liberty Bell was forged, the Philadelphia city council decided to celebrate the inauguration by having a pie baking competition.
There would be two categories. The best bell-shaped pie and the best overall pie. Competition was furious but all ended well as one of the winners was a popular senior nun from their local community who baked a superb vegetable dish. It had to be.
Everybody knows that Mother Teresa Wins No Bell Peas Pie.
There was a snake called Nate. His purpose in life was to stay in the desert and guard the lever. This lever was no ordinary lever. It was the lever that if moved would destroy the world. Nate took his job very seriously. He let nothing get close to the lever.
One day off in the distance he saw a cloud of dust. He kept his eye on it because he was guarding the lever. The dust cloud continued to move closer to the lever. Nate saw that it was a huge boulder and it was heading straight for the lever!
Nate thought about what he could do to save the world. He decided if he could get in front of the boulder he could deflect it and it would miss the lever. Nate slithered quickly to intersect the boulder. The boulder ran over Nate, but it was, in fact, deflected, leaving history to conclude that is was better Nate than lever.
There was this really smart sheep down in Mexico who knew how to make butter and buttermilk. One night she sneaked across the border and got a job working for a farmer, who set up a roadside stand and told her to try to sell the stuff. Unfortunately traffic was very heavy and the sight of this sheep making butter and buttermilk was so distracting that naturally there was an accident.
The police investigated and issued the farmer a citation for attempting to make an illegal ewe churn on a busy highway.
There's this stage play in which the first act is about a cancelled lunar mission, and in the second, an actor has a number of lines to deliver in the role of a scam artist named Kohl.
The first act comes off ok, but as Act II begins, the stage hand who is supposed to hold up the cue cards is not around, and nobody knows where he is.
The actor who plays the scam artist is upset, and grumbles: "We can send a missile to the moon, but we can't find a cuer for the con-man Kohl!"
Jane lived in Hollywood, California, and Julie lived in Miami, Florida. They both could afford to have their hair done by Pierre in St. Louis.
One day they both decided to have their hair done. They both called Pierre but he told them that he had only one spot left and that whoever would get there first could have it.
Jane hopped into her private jet and Julie hopped into her own helicopter. Jane had to emergency land in Denver, but Julie made it to St. Louis for her hair appointment.
The moral of the story is, the whirlybird gets the perm.
Trouser was normally a happy-go-lucky dog. He would chase tennis balls, play with other doggies, and eat his dinner without a fuss. He was a dog without a care.
But on that fateful autumn afternoon, it was to be different. Trouser's owners were walking him along a trail at the park, when suddenly from out of the bushes jumped a man all dressed in black. He had white paint on his face, and was gesturing annoyingly at Trouser's masters. This strange person spoke not a word, but proceeded to pretend that he was trapped in a box and that he was pulling on a long rope.
Seeing the sheer horror on his masters' faces, Trouser took it upon himself to rectify the situation. With a low growl he jumped and sank his teeth into this annoying pseudo clown's leg.
Trouser immediately got a sickened look in his eyes and began to vomit wildly. He then dragged his tongue all over the ground in an effort to remove the man's foul essence from his mouth.
For Trouser had learned that a mime is a terrible thing to taste.
A chipmunk walked into a hardware store because he was redoing his bar. He asked the clerk where he could get one of those tabletops that opens and shuts on a hinge.
The clerk wasn’t sure. So the chipmunk said, “Yeah, you know, the kind those blue jays above me have”.
“Oh”, said the clerk, “You mean closing counters of the bird kind!”
